Ok, you are having an affair with your boss, now what? Or, you are considering having an affair with your boss, what do you need to know?
Believe it or not workplace affairs are the most common type of affair. So you are not alone. There is no need to shame yourself that you are doing it. Affairs are the great equalizer, every social strata engages in affairs; smart, rich, educated, uneducated, small companies as well as fortune 500′s are not affair-proof! I tell my clients “Affairs happen to everyone.” That said, you are either about to enter a world of complications or are already making your life complex. Few people actually go out and seek to have an affair. Usually affairs come as a big surprise to those that engage in them as well. I hear from my clients quite often that they had no intention of ever having an affair.
Affair with your boss
What to consider if you haven’t started the physical affair yet…
1. Does your company have an explicit policy against it? If so, you may be putting your job at risk. Even if your potential affair partner is your boss, you will be the one that usually will have to go. It just seems to work out that way. The person with the power generally stays, it is just the way things are.
2. You were hired for your skills, yet after the affair things can start things can get tricky. Your boss is still your boss and that means by virtue of the position the boss decides if you are due for the raise, the promotion, or worse yet, extra work or less work (Pretty tricky if you are on commission). Give some thought to the future. Remember things that start off hot generally cool down and what is left can get quite uncomfortable in these situations.
3. Remember that it is likely the affair will end, think about how you will feel about going to work and seeing your ex-affair partner that is your boss if your heart is broken. Yikes, pretty painful!
If your boss is married…
1. Remember that only 10% of affairs go on to be long-term relationships according to Shirley Glass of Not just friends. The odds are that you are headed for a breakup eventually.
2. Is this your boss’ first affair? Is this yours? Remember that people that have serial affairs may have other things going on, such as an addiction, or a personality problem. Be careful.
If you still decide to go ahead with the affair…
1. Be mindful about who you tell at work, you don’t want to risk your job or future jobs at the same company or in your profession.
2. If you are married yourself and cheating, be aware of what was lacking in your relationship that you seeking. Have you talked to you loved one about what is lacking.
3. Therapy and couples counseling can be helpful to understand these issues.
Your turn…What else needs to be considered? I would love to hear your thoughts.
My wife is having an affair with her boss. She has abandoned our marital home and now her boss has abandoned his wife and his marital home to move in with my wife. Their affair is against the HR policy of the company they are employed with according to the handbook I have in my possesion They work in an office together surrounded by frosted glass where they lock the door from within and they are the only two employees at this location. Everyone else who works there is in an adjacent location and is a volunteer, since this is a non- profit organization. Should I report this affair to their corporate HR department? I have multiple intimate emails and text messages that they have sent to each other. Also should I call his wife to discuss the situation? I love my wife! …we have been married for 15 years and I am devastated over this horrible mess. As deeply as she has hurt me, I still am praying that she comes back to me. She is the love of my life!
i have in exact same situation with you, i don’t know what to do, all i think is be strong never do anything with in anger, but i need help
Hi Erdene,
I agree with you, it is always best to wait to cool down before you act. Doing things out of anger often leads to bad outcomes. You don’t want to do anything you will regret.
Renee
HI Carey,
Sounds like a painful situation. I would recommend NOT contacted the HR department of her company. Since you want to heal and repair the relationship it will only work against you if you do that. I would suggest that you talk with your wife and tell her that you want to heal together as a couple. I would also refrain from telling her affair partner’s wife as well. You will only add to the hurt and pain. Focus on your wife and your relationship. Communication is key here. I would also suggest marriage counseling if you wife is willing to do go. Good luck with your healing journey! Renee
My assistant manager and I have been seeing each other for a couple weeks. He told our store manager about our “affair” and now they are going to be conducting an investigation. We still really want to be together, but we are really worried on how this is going to turn out. What is the most likely thing they will do?
HI Samatha,
Sounds like a tough situation. Sometimes companies have policies against relationships between managers and employees. It is probably best to find out what the store policy is. Hope things turn out well for you both.
Renee
I recently began an affair with my boss in an unexpected fashion. I am young (22) and married and am often lonely in my marriage. My husband works 6-7 days a week and I work 6, 12 hour days a week. My boss is 52 and is self employed out of his house, I work on the property with two other employees but not directly with them. This leaves me quite a bit of time with my boss. Over the past year we have kind of connected and in a way that I’ve never connected with someone before. He’s been married to his wife for 30 years and says they are only together because he was raised that you don’t get divorced. There’s nothing terribly wrong with the marriage, just a lack of connection and affection. We have slept together on a few occasions but mostly I am attracted on an emotional level. The state of both of our marriages makes me sad and we have both been to counseling. We both would never leaves our spouses so I feel like this is just heading down a dead end. Do you think this will end badly? Please don’t give me grief. I know I’ve put myself and my husband in a terrible situation.
Hi Ashley,
Your situation sounds a lot like many people that get involved in affairs.You are lonely and disconnected in your marriage and feel close with your boss and so it is very easy to want to be with him. You also have a lot in oommon. Quite often people have affairs because they are seeking greater emotional attention. My suggestion is that you talk with your husband and tell him that you want more of a connection. Seeking marital therapy may be a good place to start to help you and your husband. Renee
Because you honestly love your wife and willing to spend your life with her. To be honestly discuss it with her and show her how you feel about it. If she still love you the truth will come out
Hi it’s really not good to have an affairs with your boss doesn’t matter how close you are or lonely you are. Your boss is exactly like your dad. The truth is if you have a marriage problem just ask for help (advise) to his wife or just go for marriage conselling
As I read, I think to myself “the neverending story” I’ve been in the exact same situation for six years now. We’ve been thru hell but still going strong. It’s a big mess, specially when there’s love. It’s not easy to break up.
I’m 23 and my boss is 39. He’s married and I sometimes meet his wife. He’s the founder of the company I work at but since I’m usually alone in the office we get plenty of time talking about anything. At first it was only a sweet friendship and we were both surprised because we have many things in common but after awhile he started talking about us more, I tried to pretend i didn’t understand what he meant but he talked boldly a few days ago. I don’t know how to react since I so need my job and also I’m aware of the fact that this will go to nowhere. As I’ve heard he has affairs with another women who used to work here too.
Hi Helia,
It sounds like you may have a harrassment situation given that he has done this with others. You can tell him that you aren’t interested. It sounds like you know that it will go nowhere so if you can stop it before it starts that is the best way to handle it. It will be much harder to stop once start to escalate into a physical relationship. Good luck.
I’m deeply saddened at how delusional I have been. I saw all the warning signs and methods of deception that my boss hired to woo me. And sadly enough all his methods have been tried and tested on me before and all failed because the intent was obvious and not of my interest. However, with my boss it has been different. My intial reaction at his gestures was disgust, yet there has always been an underlying liking, possibly even desire. However, I always kept it professional and respectful. I had no idea his mind was perveted and limited to the extent of viewing my innocent and genuine liking of him as an opportunity to satisfy himself.
Sadly, the reality today is that I feel hurt, I feel used, exploited and vulnerable and belittled in dignity. I would not advise anyone to engage in affairs with your bosses unless you have the courage to risk your job, and accept responsibility for your actions. I thought I loved the man, yet I was his dummy toy, whom he has used and dumped and deceived like an idoit.
Renee, I could really use your advice and perspective.
First, thank you for this site.
As I read your preliminary advice, I couldn’t help but notice how accurate your initial points are.
I should start by telling you I have worked in politics for 10 years.
I got wrapped up in an affair with my married boss (he was a State elected official I worked for). It was completely unexpected and unplanned. In fact, his public image leaned towards being a religiously devoted family man, heavily involved in his church (father of two — married for about 7 years at the time). I never imagined such a thing would happen.
He was a fairly new state elected official, and I was a new staffer. I was in my early 20’s, and he was in his late 30’s. The job was demanding, and required long evenings and weekends. We naturally began getting closer as time went by. I admired him, I looked up to him, and considered him a mentor. He started to treat me like a trusted adviser. He started depending on me more, giving me more responsibility, relying on me for the toughest jobs. When he started calling me late at night for advice, or suggesting we work late together — I was flattered. I thought it was reassurance of how hard I had been working.
As the first few years progressed, he started dropping hints about his marriage being a wreck. He talked about how overbearing his wife was, about how they had rushed into their relationship. Then more serious talk about how they were only staying together until their children got older, and that their religion looked down on divorce, and he felt trapped. He said she constantly threatened to take the kids if he pushed the issue. Their public appearances seemed to confirm his frustrations. She often yelled at him publicly, causing scenes or embarrassing him with bombastic explosions at public events. She was hot-headed and uncouth, and never hesitated to berate him, his staff, or his constituents in public. They fought constantly, and both seemed unhappy.
I initially took his confiding these personal issue in me as signs that he was trusting me more, and relying more on my advice. But then I started to pick up other signals, that he wanted to get closer. Eventually, two years in…we got involved. He initiated the encounters. First just an evening or two. But it quickly evolved into a full blown relationship.
And what I mean by that Renee – we talked every day/night, hours a day. Our conversations became personal check ins. Time spent now included not just work, but dates, trips to be together, gifts. He would somehow make time to see me on every holiday, on birthdays, every weekend…which led me to believe that his marriage was indeed over. Otherwise, I rationed, how could he be spending so much time with me? Our involvement became deliberate and planned. We got very involved. He even texted me and called me from his home, while seemingly with his wife.
Although we thought we were being discreet, I’m sure other coworkers noticed. About 2 years into our relationship (mind you, 4 years of working together), I tried to pull away. I told him I realized this would be a “lose/lose” for me. There seemed to be no end game. He was rising in politics, and though we were spending more time together, tension grew between us. We both got tense when we couldn’t spend time together, and started fighting more (almost like a married couple). I told him I didn’t want to get closer – and that his friendship/mentorship was important…and that our careers were important. I was becoming a leader in the community, too.
But to my surprise, instead of growing apart, we got closer. He gave me the keys to his house, to prove how “serious” he was. He had me come to his home to show me that he and his wife slept in different rooms. And he invited me to spend summers and weekends at his home when his wife was away. He implied that they were almost just roommates at this point. That they were no longer intimate. That the marriage was finished.
I was starting to get more invested, too. He was the only man I was seeing. But in the back of my mind, I guess I knew it wasn’t all adding up. Although he was becoming more brazen in some aspects, I always wondered how much his wife really knew, and what their situation really was.
By this point, he told me he loved me. He became upset if he saw other men paying attention to me, if I spent time with other male staffers, or when I went on trips with friends. At the time he said it was because he was protective of me and loved me. But I noticed WHEN I EXPRESSED the concerns, he would claim I was jealous and overbearing. He started having double standards. By this point, we had been deeply involved for 5 years.
He had now served as a top leadership position in the Legislature. Once he was termed out of Office, he became a lobbyist, and I went to work for the elected official that replaced him. However, we were still involved in the relationship.
A few insiders knew about us, but no one else.
I had served as a local community official myself by this time, and had now helped other candidates get elected, and was successfully running another office. But still involved with my former married boss.
Seven years into our relationship (yes, 7 years)…things were more difficult than ever. I had become pregnant, and had been asked to “deal” with that privately, and alone. It was devastating. We both tried to break it off after he was out of office, but it never seemed to stick.
It finally boiled over last year.
Last year, we got into a fight over a weekend, during a high profile political event for my current boss, who himself was running for higher political office.
Our fight took place mostly through text messages. He happened to be with his wife and kids, and at some point, his wife had taken his phone and was pretending to be him via text.
Furious, she forced him to bring her and the kids to the event I was at, where she physically attacked me.
In broad daylight, with her husband and kids by her side, and many others around — she physically struck me several times. She demanded I tell her what was going on between them. I didn’t admit to anything. She continued to strike me. As she was dragged away, she vowed that she would not stop coming after me until I lost my job. He stood by silently, as his kids cried.
Instead of taking responsibility and admitting his role in, and the depth of the relationship to his wife — he lied to her about everything.
Then she came back, and made rounds at the event, with him and the kids silently by her side — actually telling people that she attacked me, concocting a story that she did it because I was “attempting to blackmail” her husband, stalking him, and trying to force him to get physical with me.
Shockingly, he went along with that story, and backed her up publicly.
He turned on me in the blink of an eye Renee. Completely denied any relationship. He became someone I didn’t know…within seconds.
I was pressured by several political insiders to stay silent, even as dozens of people saw me with a black eye. And she had personally forced her husband to stand by her side as she approached 40 – 50 local community leaders and elected officials. She told them all that she slapped me around because I was trying to throw myself at her husband, that I was crazy, blackmailing him, stalking him, and that I was a whore who had tried for years to push myself onto him.
It was unbelievable. And he backed up her story publicly. They even started telling people that I was sleeping with my current boss (in an attempt to change the narrative of the story, and to discredit me further).
I was also pressured by many political insiders not to file a police report, or to press any charges against her for the threat, assault, and battery. “Those reports will become public, and your boss and his campaign will pay the price” they said. On top of that, NO ONE wanted to come forward that they witnessed the assault and battery by this former Elected Official’s wife. He was still too connected.
I was even threatened by THE MAN I was in the relationship with, and his close associates – that if I told anyone what had really happened, they would ensure that I “never worked in politics again”. He actually said to me, “Be careful what you say about this situation. Remember, I’ll get to say I’m going to counseling to save my marriage, and I’ll get to move on like Bill Clinton — and you, you’ll just get to be the whore, like Monica Lewinsky”.
I can’t describe the pain and betrayal. Now they were planning to discredit me in any way possible.
On top of that – he threatened to go after my current boss, and work against his bid for higher office.
So I stayed silent. Awkwardly silent. I was shocked, Renee. And devastated. Not only from the humiliation and shock of being attacked, and by feeling forced and threatened to cover it up —- but by the fact that this man, who I looked up to, admired, considered a mentor, and was involved with for so many years — was now going around, with his wife, telling people that I was a “crazy stalker”, that I had tried to push myself on him, and that he was a victim. He even started telling people – that I had worked with for so many years – that I had no talent and had never done my job for the years that I worked for him. I cannot describe to you how betrayed and violating that was.
And with them effectively controlling the message, to get out in front of the issue — and with me being silent — perception starting to become a reality. Everyone started to assume what THEY were saying was true. And with the threats and pressure looming over my head…I was forced to continue that silence. Please also remember, that as my former employer for many years, THIS MAN held a lot of weight when he started going around the community telling people I was an incompetent bimbo. It was NOW NOT JUST an issue about an alleged affair — it was him openly joining his wife in attacking my professional ability, and my career.
By this point, the husband and I had severed ties…as you might have guessed.
But his wife would not let things go…and continued to try to aggressively confront me, in the weeks and MONTHS that followed…trying to call me, and to lob threats through 3rd parties…and many times after even came back to my office, in the State Capitol. One day, she had to be removed from my office by several armed officers, because she refused to leave. It was again again, horrifying and humiliating.
That was the last straw. I couldn’t take it anymore, no matter what the consequences. I had to call HR, the building officers, and In-House Legal Counsel to report what was happening.
I wanted to file a restraining order against the wife. She had, by that point, committed assault and battery, and had come directly to my office on several more occasions. My staff and current boss didn’t know what the hell to think.
But soon, all 3 entities were pressuring me to drop the request, including the very administrators put in place to protect employees from workplace harm.
They hinted I would be blacklisted, that my current boss and his campaign would suffer consequences. But I insisted that I needed the restraining order. I didn’t feel safe walking home, or being in my office. And my staff felt unsafe too.
The institution (and the husband/wife) kept the pressure up. They even went so far as to “lose” the internal incident reports I had filed after the assault, and the report that detailed the wife storming to my office and having to be removed. They refused to accept witness accounts from my staff. The lead Building Officer, who saw me with a black eye, now claimed he couldn’t recall. They delayed the process of filing the protective order. They told me that I would just be painted as an “unbalanced, unstable slut”. Soon, multiple elected officials were calling me and my current boss, and pressuring both of us to “just forget” about everything.
I had finally broken my silence, only to find those I thought would be safe havens were themselves committed to trying to keep this covered up.
I decided I should still pursue the restraining order. Although a temporary restraining order WAS granted (for 2 months)…the permanent one was denied. At the hearing, the wife and husband (remember, he was a former high ranking elected) they submitted FALSE testimony. He claimed that his wife was an employee at his lobbying firm (which was not true, she was a stay at home mom), making the point that she needed unfettered access to the Capitol Building — and SHE submitted a FALSIFIED photo to the courts (depicting a bruised arm). Although I had never touched her, they both testified that I struck her and “provoked” the attack.
It was again, devastating, and took a huge toll on my health. But it still wasn’t over.
My tires were slashed twice, once during the hearing proceedings, and once after. Anonymous notes saying “last chance” were left at my apartment door.
It only went downhill from there, Renee. They both became fixated on payback for my pursuing the restraining order. And they started taking it out on my current Boss, too…who is still involved in a campaign for higher office.
And the wife (along with her “husband”…the man I was involved with for 7 years) – they continued to threaten and humiliate me. She has made trips to several events just to cause these humiliating scenes, and to continue to intimidate/threaten. And has told me there is nothing I can do.
They have almost completely eviscerated my reputation. And the toll to my health during all of this was immeasurable.
I want to break my silence, Renee.
I want to tell my side of the story. But at what cost?
If I stay silent, I will be eaten up by this. And their vicious lies will be the only thing that still in circulation.
But if I speak up, I will likely be completely pushed out of my career. And who will even believe me? There were so many people that came together to bully me and cover this up, that it is overwhelming to tell — and overwhelming to hear, I’m sure.
And for me — Not only did I commit to a (now seemingly) fraudulent relationship for over 7 years of my life…but now, I could see that others I was working with (and for), that I have dedicated so many years to helping…they joined in to help cover this up (with threats, intimidation, and other tactics).
I apologize for telling you such about such a terrible, complicated situation.
I don’t trust anyone anymore. I don’t know who to turn to. I am lost.
Please give me your objective perspective.
Hi Jane,
Wow, that is quite a story. No doubt this had taken a toll on your health. Given the complexity of the situation it seems to me that you need some legal advice as well as a individual therapist to sort out all of the details. You have been betrayed but many…your affair partner, his wife, the workplace amoung others. Good luck in your healing journey! Renee
Since I started working with my boss he has had eyes on me always asking me about my love life and I kept on telling him not knowing he has another intention. Last week he said we were going on a trip 4 a contract we needed to pursue, on getting there it was only one hotel room that was booked, at night e started talking so romantic, asking me to b his.I bcame restless that I couldn’t sleep. Along d line e started touching me and I tried stopping him.but atlast I fell 4 it we kissed and romance bt I didn’t allow him make love 2 me. He’s married with three kids,am not comfortable sleeping with him and now am regretting my action. I dont really know how things are going to turn out now dat I have made such mistake. I dont want 2 repeat it again
Hi Esther, It sounds like a tough situation. You may want to get some professional help with this because he is your boss. Take care of yourself and I would most definitely tell him if you travel again that you won’t stay in the same room as him. Good luck!! Renee
Hi,
Im 24 years old, I work at a hotel and I’m almost having an affair with my boss, the owner of the hotel. After work we eat pizza together, we make toast, we eat ice cream.. we cuddle on a couch in front of the tv… We talked about the attraction we feel for each other and we decided to never cross the line. We never even kissed ! He’s married and I live with my boyfriend…..
Help me.
Hi Sofia,
Glad you reached out. It sounds like things are progressing to almost the physical stage but there is an emotional attraction between you both. I would suggest that you stay away from each other and stop eating and cuddling together. Remember that he is married. You may want to consider getting another job if it is too hard to spend time with him. Good luck, Renee
Hi Renee,
My boss and I had an affair for 2 years. After the first year he told his wife he wants a divorce because there’s someone else. She begged him to stay she even threatened him that she will commit suicide. She gave me hell. He told me he decided to stay with her till the youngest child finishes school (6 months to go) After about a month he started chatting me up again and there we decided we love each other to much and the affair continued. About a month ago she saw a msg that I have send him and there It was out again. He told her this was final he loves me and wants a divorce. She started to blackmail him emotionally. He told me through it all he loves me and he’s not gonna change his mind, we will be together. One day he pitches up at work says he thought about it he’s gonna stay with his family. Now every one wants me to leave the company. I think it’s so unfair. It took 2 to tango.
Hi Mary,
It sounds like he will likely never leave his wife and it will be uncomfortable for you at work. You are correct, 2 years is a long time and a long term affair. You may want to get some help by a professional to work through all of this. It may even be better for your long term healing to leave your job before it get even more difficult. Renee
Hi Renee,
I’m unsure whether we’re having an affair or not…I feel like I’m part of an emotional affair with my boss. We’re both married. We’ve been working together for about 15 mints. He’s only been my supervisor for the last 4 months. That has actually justified us spending more time together. Over the last year we’ve had countless conversations after the rest of the office has went home. Usually about work but also very personal issues related to our backgrounds, values and beliefs. I know he’s shared things with me that he hasn’t shared with others. We’ve never kissed or hugged or even touched. He shared something very personal with me and even cried! I wanted to hug him so badly but wouldn’t. He’s very professional at work. I did rest my hand on his arm. Our relationship is special, I want more. My husband knows. Not sure what to do or if this is anything to be worried about. Thoughts? Thanks,
Riley
Hi Riley,
Sounds like you are at the beginning of what could be an emotional affair. Glad to hear that your husband knows. The fact that your husband knows can keep you in a safer position. Keep talking with your husband about what happens between you and your supervisor. I encourage you to keep the conversations between you and your supervisor about work and nothing else that is personal. Hugging him could lead to other physical interactions, try to refrain from any physcial touch. I also encourage you to seek some professional help in dealing with this situation it sounds very complicated. Good luck, Renee
Thanks for your prompt response. It helps to put it out there. I feel better after saying it out loud. It’s tough because I look forward to seeing him every day, sad when I don’t get to see him. I will try not to talk about anything but work.
Hi !
i am 23 and i fell in an affair with my boss last year who is 43. i belong to a broken family(though parents stay together,they just keep on fighting),and was through a series of failure. i liked him a lot since i had seen him and even he had a liking for me,but later he had once said that he just wanted a fuck as he finds me hot!! but he has really been nice, he’s helped in getting focused in my career and helped me at the job also. he’s given me a better position in the office and takes care of me. he had once said that he wants to stop and end this relationshp as i have become dependent on him and now i love him a lot, and he wants to adopt me as his daughter and wants to stop all this. he takes care of me and loves me to but now more as a child. he has already started facing prare of me.oblems with his wife as she has startde doubting him. he has three daughters and two are almost of my age. i have tried to resign but he says that i am capable of performing well and says that i must keep my professional and personal matters separate. but i can’t do that because i love him and i don’t want to loose him. he says that he will never abandon me and will treat me only as daughter and will take care of me. I also have a guy in my life who wants to marry me and i have been seeing me since last 5 years. i haven’t told him about this and i like him too. i don’t know what to do. If i don’t have this man in my life i will not be able to survive as he is the one because of whom i am doing well in my career and i have started focusing more on it.
Hi Rayesha,
Sounds like your boss has helped you in your career which helped you quite a bit. It also sounds like he is toubled by the relationship as well. Given that you are having a hard time keeping the work and emotional relationships seperate and that his wife is doubting him, it sounds like things are going to get more complicated. I suggest you seekk some professional help to deal with how complicated this situation is going to get. It is also important that you feel that you can succeed in your career without your boss. He may be trying to create some dependency so that you won’t leave him. Remember that all you have learned about your career is transferable, he can’t take that away from you.
Renee, I’m 22 and have been seeing my boss (who is 30 years my senior) for about a month. He’s not married, but he’s been in a serious, committed relationship for a number of years. Things got physical between us pretty quickly, and have become emotionally intense also. We were very friendly with each other before we started dating, so friendly that I divulged many deeply personal aspects of my life to him without a second thought. He tells me that he wants me in his life for a long time, and while I want that too, just the fact that he’s already with another woman (and doesn’t plan on leaving her anytime soon) makes me resent and distrust him. I like him a lot, and I love spending time with him and having a physical relationship with him … But things don’t sit right. I worry that if I break things off, I’ll regret it and ask him to go out with me again, and it’ll just be a vicious cycle. Either that or our working relationship will suffer hugely and I’ll have to leave my job. This is my first job, and I’ve only been working for him for 4 months … It doesn’t look as though things are going to turn out well, whatever I do.
Yes, you do sound like you in a tough situation. It might be a good idea to talk with a professional about your options so that you don’t feel so stuck.
Good luck!!
Hi Renee,
I recently gained a new job and at a recent work event I ended up talking to the director and we started getting closer and I was wowed by the connection we had. That night I went back to his house and we kissed. I have a boyfriend and he is separated. It felt amazing and bold but I was concerned about my job. He asked for my number and started texting me. He wanted to meet up with me again and finally I agreed a week later. We kissed and we talked and it felt so amazing. He wanted more but I wouldn’t give in. While at work it was awkward and he was constantly texting me. I told him to stop as I needed to concentrate on work. When I met up with him again we got up to more stuff but never went the whole way. He started saying how beautiful I was and how special and infectious my personality was. I was taken in by it all. I never stayed the night as I didnt want my boyfriend to know. Anyway I got a text from a work colleague one day at the weekend who saw the msgs between me and the director. She was like what the f**k…I found out that he had been having a relationship with her all along. I felt so so used and so hurt. Not only because of what happened but because I was really falling for him. They are together now and she has forgotten everything and she will talk to me about their relationship as no one else knows about it. I find it so hard as I still like him and I have to look at him every day. I know in my heart of hearts he just used me and probably is doing the same to the other lady as it seems he doesn’t care much about her. Its just a new job and I dont want to leave it but I am so mad at myself for putting myself in this position. I also am mad that I did this to my boyfriend and can’t understand why I did it as I have never done something like this before and I can’t tell anyone about it. How can I get over it?
Hi Sandra,
I can hear how hurt you are about the situation. It sounds like it was such a quick fling and that you were caught up by how fast things went. That may be his style.I doubt that he has forgotten about you but agree that it is likely he does this with everyone. I suggest that you seek some professional help in getting over this, figuring out why he was so appealing to you and dealing with your guilt about betraying your boyfriend. Hope things go well.
I have been reading all posts and I just want to tell all of you don’t do it! My boss brought me up in the ranks having the company promise to continue training that i left for a higher position in the company none of it happened of course because he got what he wanted me. I’ve been there I dated my married boss he said he loved me and wanted to leave his wife but was afraid of what people would say and also he has a daughter that he didn’t want to loose, but in the end we both lost our job. I am married as well and I hurt my husband everyday I would come home from work and tell him how bad I wanted a divorce but he would never agree to it and still stands by my side even after finding the truth out. Now I can’t find a job because everyone has heard why I got fired also I don’t have a college education and I never did finish the training I was promised. Him on the other hand he is educated and well he is a older man with all of his contacts slapping him high five for getting a younger women got a job immediately after getting fired. So please don’t be like me hiding in your home because your afraid someone might see you that knows about the affair and approach you with a stupid question or a smart a$$ remark. Believe me this man has said and has done everything for me that your guy has been doing for you but when reality sets in for the man they stick their tails between their legs and run back to the wife. It is not worth it even though you think no one has ever made you feel the way he makes you feel don’t do it save yourself a lot of pain and humiliation. Now the only thing I think is no one has ever made me feel so much pain and feel so alone in my life and how much I could just end it all.
I’m a married, mother of two, in my late 20’s. About 6 months ago, I entered into an affair with my boss, who is a married, father of two, in his late 30’s. I’ve been married for 3 years, he has been married for 10 years. Neither of us has ever carried on an affair before. There had been quite a bit going on in my own marriage…constant fighting, degrading, belittling, physical abuse, etc. I believe this is what made me vulnerable to the affair. I didn’t necessarily know the situation between my boss & his wife, at the time the affair began, but he has since shed some light on what lead him to doing this, as well. He says a few years ago he caught her “sexting” one of his best friends, and things just haven’t been the same since…he claims he’s been somewhat “checked out.” He says he’s in love with me…I am definitely in love with him. We talk about being together long term. He is always bringing up our future, and saying things like “when” rather than “if.” I guess, I just wonder what kind of a relationship can we possibly build from an affair? I am a skeptic. I worry even if we both get divorces, things will fall apart eventually anyways, because of how all this began. What is your take?
Hi Heidi,
It is very rare, only in about 10% of the cases for people to eventually end of with their affair partner long term. Can you imagine how it would be to really trust him? It’s a good question. Good luck on your journey,
Renee
Renee,
I seemed to have gotten myself into a mess. I am 30 years old and have been married for 3 years. The past two years my husband and I have grown apart. There has been less communication and even less passion. I know some of it has to do with the fact he travels for work all the time and maybe spend a total of two months actually home out of the year. Since it has been like this my work is all I have. Last year my work hired a new manager who is 21 years my senior. He immediately had my attention, though at the time I wouldn’t have done anything about it. As time went on and I learned more about him, I was more and more interested. One night during the summer I was working late with him and another coworker and noticed he was a little more personal with me. Nothing improper by any standards just telling me about his son and daughter. I know its weird but i felt after that night there was something different between us. A month later he hosted a cookout for the whole shop at his home where i met his gorgeous wife of 20 years. They seemed very happy.(later found out that he feels like they are basiclly just roommates that fight over money) A month after that i was moved to being his assistant. Working all day every day with him I learned more. We talked about anything and everything but never went where someone else could consider it inappropriate. ( At work my coworkers and myself are very open about EVERYTHING) My feelings for him grew and grew which caused me to dream about him constantly. At the time I thought I just really wanted to sleep with him and call it a day. I was wrong. For reasons unrelated I put my two weeks notice in and left work. The day I left since he was no longer my boss I told him how I felt and how I have been feeling. I just had to get it off my chest. He asked if I had his personal cell phone number,I told him yes and he said text me. So it began……… The first week we texted ALL the time. While he was at work, while he was home. We both noticed quick that things were going to get heated so we put down ground rules. This was the first time either one of us were about to even think about having an affair and was nervous. I told him straight that i loved my husband and did not want to leave him, just missed the companionship and passion. He agreed and replied that he loved his wife and would not leave her. Too messy. So we agreed mutually that if the L word came up, pet names were used or if there was even talk of leaving a spouse that our friendship would be over. As we both put it we are good friends with benefits. That was four months ago. We still text or call eachother everyday and make arrangements to see each other at least once every two weeks so not to arouse suspicion. We went out of our way to use a special messanger so our interactions cannot be seen through the phone bill. ie. texts or calls. I noticed we cant go even 24 hours without talking in some form and when its a long while I start to get a little down and lonely. Now the fun part comes in……I go back to work at my old job next week. He and i discussed if it would be a problem. The answer was no. We both agreed to keep it professional and keep our distance since it would be a disaster if anyone even got a hint of whats going on between us. I am nervous for a couple of reasons….one i feel like my feelings are going a bit deeper than I wanted them to…two he is a good man but a man and worried if he may accidentally show favoritism at work and cause a problem. I know deep down I should end it, I will still have my job if i do end it however worried how it would feel to see him day after day. I’m so torn.
Hi Tara,
Yes, this is indeed very hard. If and when you end it things will be uncomfortable at work. You might want to get some professional help during the aftermath because things could get a little strange. It also sounds like you have become quite attached to him lately and that will make it hard to end things as well. Good luck to you,
Renee
I am 23 and i work along site school(university). I have had a boyfriend which i love dearly for 7 years, we are engaged. I have been working at a sales company for 7 months now and my boss is 39 years old, married with kids. His speech is always in a dirty manner no matter who he speaks to, and seems to be accepted at the work place(he makes sexual jokes and comments all the time). At first i only thought it did no harm because it was funny and everyone knew it was not serious. Lately I’ve begun to take some of his comments into consideration(and started thinking much about it for maybe 3-4 months), and then I started dreaming sexually about him, repeadetly. Then there was this party that the job was hosting a few days ago and he asked me about 10 times if i wouldn’t come, which i endet up saying yes to(i didn’t really want to go because i knew it would be hard for me with my boss there and alcohol…). I went to the party.. ended up telling him the truth when we were alone outside.. That I was having problems because of him..He asked me what kind of problems? and i said while stroking his cheek: I think you know. He said that he was married and I had a boyfriend, what would we do ? I replied that even though we both love them they wouldn’t have to know, and i could’nt stop thinking about him. He took me into his arms and kissed me, then he told me to wait there until the guests were out of the house(rentet place for party). When everyone was gone we had an affair. I think it is only sexual and there is no love, but i liked it so much and can’t stop thinking about his lips pressed against mine, and don’t want to. We haven’t spoken about this since it happened, as i only work there about 10 hours a week and it’s to risky to send messages. I might not meet him until 2 weeks from now because next time i have to work he will not be there. I feel so ashamed to have liked it so much and to want to do it again. I love my boyfriend so much and want to spend the rest of my life with him, yet i know that if i told him about the affair( which i won’t) he would not be able to be with me.. How can I still love my boyfriend so much while thinking so much about another man?
Hi Kele,
I would tell your boyfriend what happened. It will take the power away from the affair. I know you are worried about what might happen to your boyfriend but your only hope is to be honest with him about what happened. I suggest you also contact a therapist in your area to sort out some of the details and understand how you got so caught up in this type of relationship. Hope it goes well.
Hi Renee,
I just came back from a business trip feeling really confused and lost.
I’m in my early 20s and my boss is in his 40s. I have been working for him for about 1 year now. We have always been professional with each other and our work nature requires us to travel once in a while.
Thinking back, we always had other colleagues staying in the same hotel whenever we traveled.
This same trip last year, we had another colleague who came along. However, for this latest trip, it was the first time we were travelling on our own; just the two of us.
During the trip, everything was as per normal. We had separate rooms and discussed meeting strategies prior to all our meetings.
On the last night of our stay, we decided to have a small celebration (Dinner and drinks) on our own as we just closed 2 deals within our 1 week stay.(Usually it takes about at least a month to close)
This was when things got a little weird.
During our drinks session, we spoke nothing about work while listening to the live band. He sat beside me due to the arrangement of the tables and both of us wanted to be able to see the band.
After a few glasses of martini, my boss started telling me how pretty I looked, how he notices my dressing in the office ( I dress very professionally; knee length skirts and dresses with leather court shoes; Nothing too revealing), he likes it that I lifts his spirit when he’s down and that he was attracted to me.
By then, I noticed that he was sitting relatively closer to me and I was already feeling intoxicated. I managed to change the subject thereafter pretending that I was distracted by the band. For some reason, I am not able to recall the specific details, but he was being slightly touchy with me. One hand on my thighs and the other moved from the back of the chair to my shoulders and started kissing my neck.
The next thing I knew, we were already out of the bar and trying to get a taxi. I was not able to stand on my own and this was the first time it was happening to me.
We got back to the hotel and he sent me to my room. He stayed and started hugging me on the bed. Subsequently, we spooned, he kissed me occasionally and slept till the next morning. Nothing else happened.
We spoke about it in the morning, during breakfast and on our flight back. We both know that there would be no conclusion. He is married with no kids and I have a boyfriend of 3 years. We both feel guilty and disappointed with ourselves and we still wants to work as per normal as if nothing has happened.
My fear is that our working relationship might be a bit awkward during the next time I see him and I’m not sure how I should manage that, especially prior to this episode, we have already planned a similar business trip in 2 months time.
Any advice on how I can ease the awkwardness or ensure it does not happen if he attempts again?
Hi Jolene,
I would tell him that it was a mistake and that it won’t happen again. You want to set a firm boundary with him so that he knows that you see the incident as a mistake that won’t happen again. I would also suggest that you not go out for drinks with him because things could get out of control in that situation. Hope it goes well. Renee
Dear Renee
I am a 29 year old married woman & mother of 3 boys. Last year September 2014, we got a new boss at our organization and a staff meeting was called to meet him. I have to say my life has never been the same since that day we looked into each other’s eyes. Incidents kept happening which led to me to believe strongly that we had a connection. This feeling scared me so much as I am approaching 8 years of marriage & have never experienced anything like this before. Have been a very honest & loyal woman to my husband but this is really difficult for me to handle as the chemistry is just too strong 4 me to handle. My husband is a well known man in the community, just as my boss is rich and highly known. I really don’t care about his money as my husband is rich too but I think I am falling for this guy. He has never married & is always proposing to spend some time with me at his place, cooking and being domestic for some strange reason and am very scared in case someone sees me. My thinking currently is that if I sleep with him once, I might be able to have closure somehow and forget about the whole thing. What do you think? We have not talked about whether he wants a long term thing or just fun… I think of him all the tym and if I decide to stop talking to him, he calls because we are not officially in anything but we make it as point to speak with each other every single day. He asks a lot of questions about my family history, my life growing up & my husband but am not comfortable talking to him about my husband. Please help I have a 1st date with him tomorrow @ his place, he said he’ll release me early. I would love to go there & be with him but am so scared of what will happen after, when he’s found another gul… As a married woman I can’t see myself competing with young single girls, its a definite heartbreak.
Hi Tasha,
Once you get involved with him sexually you will be very hooked. Once a person gets involved sexually with another bonding happens so it will only complicate the situation. As hard as it is, I would suggest not going through with this. It will take a lot of restraint on your part. You might also want to check with a professional therapist as you work through this. Renee
Renee,
My life has become unbareable. I’m 27 and my boss is 41. I’m single and he has a long term partner with 2 children. We have been having an on and off affair for the last four years. Of which I ended late last year.
What started as something that dreams are made of have turned into an absolute nightmare. I had gone through a heavy breakup prior to this starting and perhaps was happy/relieved of the attention from this man. The usual “you’re perfect. I want us. I can see this going somewhere. I will leave.” Came and I believed it.
And that continued for a good few months. Then something changed and perhaps I had been favoured previously in my job I was sent to the bottom of the pile. Continuously being spoken down to infront of others, being made out like I can’t do my job. Being set goals in work that were unrealistic. I had fallen for this man, and literally would have done anything for him. I continued to sleep with him regardless of all these things. The power trips came via texts, head games, control games. I spent many many nights in my bed crying and crying. Yet still continued. It started to become, I felt like, if I didn’t do this my life would get worse.
Eventually I began to realise that it couldn’t get worse and ended it. Cut contact outside of work. I think he was furious and in some way felt I was at fault. My treatment in work has now got to a level beyond awful. I struggle to get out of bed each day. He’s turning people against me. He’s making my life uncomfortable. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I liked my job and worked hard to be where I am. And I know I made a choice and was stupid so very stupid to get myself into this. But I find life hard to cope with. I want to go higher and tell his boss what is happening, but I don’t think I could handle the judgement/resentment or even if I would be believed…
Please help.
It sounds like you have had a really rough situation. I might try going to your human resources at the company because of the problems this has caused you and the way he has treated you in front of others. You can also reach out to a mental health professional in your area to help you cope with the sad feelings you are experiencing. Good luck to you!
Hey Renee
It is comforting to know that I am not alone in the pain I feel. I know what I need to do, I just need to find the strength.
My boss and I worked together for a year before things escalated. The connection and chemistry was always there but I respected his marriage and I never wanted to be viewed as the girl who got ahead by giving h**d. He initiated and I ignorantly jumped in saying it was just sex. I am madly in love him and feel he is my other half, a connection I have never felt with another. He claims and makes me feel that he feels the same. He was first to bring up him leaving his wife (2nd marriage 3 kids). It has been a year with excuse after excuse.
His wife found out 2 months ago and I thought “yes!! This is it” but no. She had a family emergency and he was supportive and now life has gone back to norm.
In a weird way our relationship kind of works for me. I am a very strong, independent, success driven female. I have two grown children. I don’t want nor need a needy relationship. I want love and companionship. Which he gives me. The only thing I want is more time with him. What we have when together is phenomenal, So I haven’t wanted to throw the baby out with the bath water. But it is disheartening and probably distructive to accept being second. It has finally eaten at me enough that he does not value me any more than that, that I know I must move on.
Actually putting in words my thoughts has given me more strength. My question to you is; what is the best way to go about breaking up? I usually go with the direct approach with everything. “Hey, you said you would leave your wife, you haven’t. You broke my heart. We are over” my one confidante says that is too cold and I should give him a deadline. Which I have not done prior.
I know this is going to be hard. It is extremely difficult to inflict such pain on myself. And then to see him everyday…..
Advice???
Hi Nik,
You are certainly on to something with the direct approach, I like it. It is hard to break up with someone but doing it quickly is much easier and ultimately less painful than trying to do it in a slow manner. I don’t think that you should accept being second. Maybe get some professional help before you do it. It is indeed rare for someone to leave their wife for the affair partner. Sounds like it is time for you to make your move and end things. Good luck to you, Renee
hi Renee. I am 22 with a partner (not married) and 2 kids. I am having an affair with my 33 years old boss. He is our Business Director. He’s a married man for 13 years with 4 kids and away from his family. He loves his family as i love mine. Its just that there are some complicated issues between me and my partner because he cheated on me even before up until now. He’s so cold, not used to hold my hand or even bringing me out for a date. Well my boss is definitely sweet, treats me like a princess. And i think that is the reason why i got close to my boss. Actually i never thought of having an affair my boss before and doesn’t even wanted to. But then suddenly he just started talking to me, getting together almost every other day. Up until we had our sexual affair. Then same as other stories, I got addicted to him and even left my partner. My partner even says that i don’t have any more time with my kids and that I’ve changed a lot. But then there comes a time that i’m hearing a lot of stories that its just my boss was banging other girls in our office. It hurts a lot because I thought that even if its just an affair, then at least someone sees me and cares about me but what i thought was wrong because my boss is as well banging others girls aside from me in the office. I really thought that my boss is sincere and cares for me. But i guess not. He’s just lonely and needed someone to be with. But the problem is that i fell in love already with my boss. It really hurts every time he ignores me. I really wanna quit my job. I cant bare seeing him every time i’m in the office. Please help me what to do.
Hi Anna,
Sounds like a really tough situation. If it is possible for you to quit your job it might be for the best. You won’t have to see him on a regular basis and then it would help you get over him more quickly. I would suggest you get some help from a professional counselor. No one every thinks they will get into this situation but it happens sometimes. Good luck,
Renee
Hi renee. Thanks for the advise. I already quit my job and currently enroled in a university to pursue my degree. My boss and i already stopped our affair because were already hearing some gossips in the office. I havent seen him anymore. But sometimes i cant help to contact him, but he’s not replying and answering my calls anymore. I dont know i ill be sad about it or just be glad because im back with my partner and kids.
Hi Renee. My wife and I have been married for 6 years. She is 25, Im 28 (no kids). She recently started working (intern) in a VERY nice company. I love her very much but I’m a nosy guy. We are busy people, both going to school and working full time. Since day one at the company, her internet history is full of ‘sex with boss’ porn and ‘how to seduce boss’ guides. Its obvious that she is crushing on him from her behavior. Her boss makes like 160K a year and is 20 years older than her. I feel really hurt and like I cant compete with him. I feel like I am literally doing everything I can to show her how special and beautiful she is but whenever Im not around she indulges in the fantasy of being with him via pages like this and worse. (this page was on her history too…)
She has only been working there for only 2 weeks. Im afraid that something will happen. So far they have no contact outside of work that I know of. I love her a lot so Im thinking that I will stay by her 100% UNTIL she crosses the line, and then be ready to divorce her. As long as she can keep it a fantasy I will be a little hurt but ok. It sucks that I have lost a lot of trust in her. Any advice for me?
Hi Brandon,
I suggest that you tell her what you have found on the computer and ask her if she is interested in her boss. I know it is hard to do but it may prevent a potential affair from happening. Good luck!
My wife and I have had a troubled marriage for years. Kids, work, sports practices have taken a toll on us. We often come home late, watch TV in a separate room, and go to bed. I recently found out about a “sexting” relationship she was involved in with someone she worked with. She swears it never got physical. After confronting him and putting the puzzle pieces together, I do believe that it never reached the physical level. The text messages were very graphic, and extremely hurtful to read. We have committed to repairing our marriage, and things have been really good at times for about a month. However, I am having a real hard time forgiving and forgetting. I often let the things I discovered creep into my mind, and it sets me off. Sometimes for hours or days. I get very angry, and can’t seem to shake it. I love her very much, and she loves me. I am worried that my anger is not going to let us move forward. The humiliation and betrayal I felt was so severe. It seems like every step we take forward, we take two backwards because of the resentment I feel towards her and her emotional relationship with the other guy. She has changed work locations, and now I find myself asking her about other guys she works with, and if there is anything I should be concerned with. It obviously creates more tension. I want to move forward with our relationship. I feel like we have it in us to get to a healthy place together. I just need some advice on how to clear my mind, and rid myself of the anger I feel about my wife’s betrayal. I don’t want our family to break up. We have 2 kids. Will I ever get to a place where I am not so angry? Will I ever stop visualizing the messages I read in my mind?
Hi JP,
Glad to hear that things are better between the two of you. You are experiencing a very typical reaction to an affair. You are having some trauma reactions to what happened. I suggest you get some individual help to work through this trauma and then bring your wife into therapy so she can provide you some comfort.
Renee
Hi Renee
My story is different from others. I have been in a relationship with my boss for 3 years. we are both single, me 24 and him 30, and we are trying to get that work to marriage and this kind of stuff. 5 months age, we have been accused of favoritism from his side, although our company does not have any specific policy about relationships but I have been getting lonelier and everything has been tougher. He is the boss, and the company will do everything to keep him here, so it’s me who should change the job. I found job in some other company and I am about to move there in less than 2 weeks. But it’s really hard and I do not know if I am doing the right thing by leaving my dream job for him.
I think I need help.
thank you
Hi Fateme,
I would seek professional help with this issue. It is sensitive and complicated. See if you can reach out to a therapist for help.
Good luck,
Renee
I’m having an affair with my married boss. I don’t report directly to him but I used to. Known him for 13 years. About 9 months ago, he was setting me up with his friend. After a few drinks and realizing his friend wasn’t interested, I turned my attention to him. He ended up coming back to my place and we had sex. It was supposed to be just sexual fun but we have lunches, dinners and weekends when his wife is out of town. It’s been great fun. He travels a lot for work and I miss him when he’s gone. Never thought it would go on this long. I don’t have dreams of ending up together. He’s always said if his wife suspected anything, fun was over. Over the last two weeks, she has questioned him, asking straight out if he’s cheating on her. I told him to be very careful because if he got caught it would be really bad for him. He has not backed off from our relationship at all. I don’t have lovey Dovey feelings for him but the sex is amazing and I like the attention. I hate to think about hurting his wife. She doesn’t deserve this but I dread the day this ends. Realistically, I know it will and it will suck working with him 30 feet away.
hi Renee,
I have recently had sex with the owner of the company where I work , though he is divorced and single with kids and I am too ,but my question is , I would like to know if I can still hang out with a male colleague, definitely not an affair but as a friend because he’s hitting on me and also sees me as a friend but I don’t like him to date him but to remain as friendly colleagues especially now that I had recently got closer to our boss after the sex but we are still very professional
As for my boss he doesn’t work with us in the office he has other businesses but I report to him as the company accountant so we talk about the companies progress a lot but the affair (one time sex ) happened so fast after we both realized that we were attracted to each other even though we have been avoiding having an affair for 6months now but I think we both like each other but cannot commit due to the work relationship scandals we are avoiding .so I need to know if I can still hangout without been perceived as a flirt if he finds out I hung out
Hi Rose,
I would encourage you to get some professional help to figure this out. It probably isn’t a good idea to hang out with a colleague that is flirting with you. It can get pretty complicated. As for your boss, since you had a relationship with him he may get jealous and that might hurt your professional relatioship. Good luck!
Renee, wow, I can’t believe I am seeking for orientation regarding such personal issue.
For over 2 years I have been single / dating some ladies but I had a hard time finding a true partner. I am contracted artist for a big corporation, well, 2 months ago, one of my directors at work declared to me she likes me.
Here is the problem, for a bit over a year I was really secretly in “love” with her (no one knew, and I never disrespected her nor got weird)… since the first day I saw her, but she is married and has a beautiful child, she is intelligent, stunning, successful and has the perfect life. Which turns out she didn’t, for 2 months we had the most incredible and full filing relationships I’ve ever had with a woman, and I have 2 previous marriages and a daughter myself, in fact, I think we both are so compatible is unreal.
I am almost 40 and I am finally a mature man and I understand myself better than ever, but, I felt in love with her, and so she did with me.
She apparently was abandoned by her husband for over 3 years -physically and emotionally-.. they live together but he hasn’t even touch her on all this time (she sleeps at the sofa/guest room).
But she ended up with me as she said she needs to give “him a chance” … which is really breaking my heart as I was sure she was going to let him go, and get to know me better and to see my feelings are real.
I am devastated. Heart broken and very sad, which is incredibly rare as I am a very positive and successful man myself, she is 2 year older than me. I do respect her and I want her to be happy, but is really not fair as she seemed like she really found me for all the right reasons.
How can I even cope with this loss, I do love her very much and I thought this was the most lucky of all things love related anyone can ask.
Should I wait? let her go? fight for her?
Thanks Renee!
Hi Roscoe,
It is very rare for an affair to turn into a long term relationship. I wouldn’t wait for her, I would let her go. I would also seek some professional help to deal with the grief over losing her.
Renee
I’ve been in my new job for a month and I’m seriously attracted to my boss. He’s 7 years older than me, married with 2 kids. I’m married, no kids. He’s been really supportive of me these last few weeks as my husband has been away due to unforseen professional circumstances and I’ve been feeling stressed. He invited me to his house to meet his wife and children andvi stayed for dinner. I really enjoyed my time with them. However, I came away with an even stronger attraction. I don’t feel attracted to people very often. Although I’m certain that if I was single and so was he, I would ask him out. I feel as certain as I have in the past with previous partners. Does this happen to everyone? Do we continue meeting potential partners even after marriage, but obviously we’re no longer available? I think he knows I’ve got a crush on him. Maybe he feels the attraction too. Sometimes when we both get eye contact we both look away in a hurry.Yesterday I left a film on his desk for him to borrow. He didn’t acknowledge it at all. Today in a meeting we were in front of other staff and he seemed really shy so I just smiled and didn’t try to engage him. Yet while he was speaking he kept looking at me. I wonder if he realises that? Anyway, I don’t want to come across as creepy so I’m going to cool it. I’d love to be friends with him but I’m just too attracted to him at the moment. I’m married and I don’t know why this is happening!
Hi Harriet,
I would encourage you to stay away from him since you are attracted to him and that you are married. Professional help might be very helpful for you to figure out why you are attracted to him in the first place.
Renee
Hi Renee.
I’m an 18 year old girl who works in the restaurant business as a hostess. This is a part time job, as i need to pay for college. Ive been here there since mid July and only recently have i noticed that I’ve been getting attracted to my manager. there are 5 managers total, but only one of them is the GM. He works on certain days and when i get to see him, i get so excited. I have a boyfriend whom I’ve been with since my sophomore year in high school (so 2 years) and i love him dearly. My manager is in his late 30’s with 2 kids and a wife. Whenever i’m there, he’ll come up to the stand and talk to me. I’ve noticed he plays with my hair, tugs my clothes sometimes, and checks me out a bit. He doesn’t do this with any other coworkers. I’ve never cheated on my boyfriend, nor have i ever had the thought to. But my manager is just too attractive for me to stop thinking about him. All i want is 1 night with him, and that’s it. the only thing about this whole situation is that i’m not sure if he would do that with me, or if he even wants me at all. He’s the kind of guy that looks like he wouldn’t hurt a fly, much less have an affair. He’s a semi attractive tall man, but what really interests me is his laid-back personality. I’ve never been attracted to someone solely for personality, but i guess there’s a first for everything. Should I confront him with my question of whether he would have an affair? Or should I just keep quiet and agonize in silence? If we go through with this, i feel like we’d go back to being normal, and pretend nothing ever happened. I also feel like i would get attached to him emotionally if we have sex. what should I do?
Hi Andrea,
I agree with you, if you get involved with him you will become even more attached than you already are. Since he is your boss he shouldn’t be doing things like tugging at your clothes and playing with your hair. I would suggest you get some professional help to deal with the feelings you are having. I would confront him with the idea of the affair because it will make things worse.
Hope that helps,
Renee
I’m 22 have been working with this company for the last 12 months I love my job so much like it’s literally the highlight of my life. I suffer from anxiety and depression bad and work is the one place for me to get away it’s my oasis, everyone is always flirty at work as I work in a shopping centre and it’s nice it’s an ego boost at times and helps the days go quicker, my supervisor has always been super flirty but in my head I know that we only joke around and don’t actually mean it. He is married with 3 beautiful children and I have met them quite a few times as they are always shopping.
About 3 weeks ago all the flirty comments started sounding more serious between us both and the next thing I knew I found myself in his office. I don’t need to say what happened next. Things at work were still fine I wasn’t feeling guilty and he’s still being his normal self. Everything was fine until I got drunk and said something to a work colleague and now it’s gone to my head office etc an there is a meeting tomorrow with the head of the shopping centre plus my supervisor and our 2 operation managers from head office. I have been asked by one of the guys that run the shopping centre to keep my mouth shut and just deny things as there is no proof and then I could keep my job, my supervisor is also going to deny it as well. I’m just very nervous because I can’t afford to lose my job. I shouldn’t have done it in the first place but it’s done and now I’m just stressing and it’s all getting too much for me. I’ve had about 5.5 hours sleep in the last 3 days I feel like I have stomach alsurs from stressing and I haven’t been able to eat properly. I don’t want to lose my job but more then that I don’t want him to lose his or his family or anything I know I should have thought of his family before but I’m just so worried.
Hi Michelle,
Hope the meeting went well. Since he is your boss he is at greater risk than you. I would suggest that you seek some professional help for this situation, it sounds pretty complicated especially since people are trying to keep you quiet about it.
Good luck,
Renee
Neither me, nor my boss are in relationships and we have been flirting pretty heavily, making jokes, etc. Well, after a fee months I realized I had developed a crush on him and I would like it to turn in to something more. I’m 23 and he is in his early 30’s. I was planning on quitting soon anyway to lighten up my schedule and the chance to further things with him was added incentive. The problem is that company policy says we aren’t allowed to talk outside of work, and he is holding to that. He knows how I feel but refuses to say whether he feels the same way or not. He still flirts, and says that we can do that because it’s fun. I don’t know if I should get my hopes up or not for anything after I quit in a few months.
Hi CS,
Sounds like you will know more information after you quit your job. I would encourage you not to flirt with him at work because it might be making matters worse.
Good Afternoon Renee,
My and my fience recently been having issues that I was totally in the wrong doing and hurt her alot and feel the pain. Her boss which is my friend needed someone for his office to work for him. I suggested my girlfriend at he is happy with her preformance. He is also recently divorced and now living with a GF. I have noticed for about 6-9 months that she has changed when I approce her she says ignores me and says I have a problem. This past summer there was a big blow out with my girlfriend and his and I noticed that she notices some type of feelings. I have approced him as a friend to discuss this issue and he has said he is a friend to us both. I agree with that! One thing I have felt in my heart and tring to figure out if she has a emotional connection with him. This is my thought.
1. Its only them two and he tells her when, what and how to do it.
2. She has started using his wording word for word and the way she acts is like him, I wish I could film them both and show her.
3. I was always a person that tried my best to plan and we did before now her comment, is things happen which her bosses saying that its a controled kayoss of a office.
There is more little things that give read flags. I see him coming out in her and she does not see that. I would like to have her understand what I am seeing. I am going to try to talk to her but affraid with her comments of she is not sure if I am what she wants after hurting her she needs time to think.
Thanks
Hi TY,
I would encourage you to talk with her about your fears directly. I would keep him out of it. Since you want to maintain the relationship I would follow up with her. Tell her about the red flags you see. Good luck!
Hi Renee, from what I’ve been able to read it sounds to me like many people go through something similar. I’m 23 and my boss is 37 and I cannot believe how attracted I am to him. I’ve been working for the company for about 3 years now and he is the owner of the whole company. When I first started I had a boyfriend and he was going through his divorce. Now he’s single with 3 kids and I no longer have a boyfriend. When he found out I was no longer in a relationship, the flirting heightened. He passes slick comments towards me, does things for me that he wouldn’t for others, he texts me outside of work, weekends. When we’ve gone to company holiday parties or happy hours when the alcohol is involved, he is more blunt with his actions. Other coworkers have noticed and nothing more.
I’m pretty sure he had a sexual relationship with one of the directors but it’s been nothing confirmed. I happen to be his assistant as well as the director that he has had a sexual relationship with so the dynamics of work get tricky.
I feel like she obviously doesn’t like me because of the attention he gives me. I’ve thought of multiple times on letting him know how I feel and confronting him but I feel like it could tricky…
At this point I’m not sure how I can continue to work there with this attraction I have towards him and the other director giving me hell for the way he treats me.
Help?
Hi Luciana,
It sounds like a tough situation. If you can find another job that might be best, it sounds very complicated. You might want to get some professional help.